Dr. Robi Ludwig: Getting Married? Here is What to Expect, Statistically

Disney movies seem to have the whole “romance equals marriage” thing figured out. What Disney movies fail to include in their happy-go-lucky outlook is that marriage, at times, can be work. Watching Prince Charming kiss Snow White to wakefulness may make you question the romance in your own marriage, but it helps to remind yourself that the romances Disney portrays are often dated, idealistic notions of love. And, as it turns out, they are only really documenting early stages. Psychologists have studied the marriage track and concluded that most married couples go through many stages, stages that most couples will hit in their marriage. Sometimes, these require more dedication and care.

Married couples can attest even happy marriages require work. Vows merge one life to another and suddenly personal gain must give way toward a common goal. Your partner has equal share of your burdens, and you of theirs. As spouses spend more time together, they tend to go through several, predictable stages. These stages occur as your personal identity gives up control, even in small amounts, and embraces the nature of a true union.

Why the Stages of Marriage Complicate Unions

Couples go through five major stages of personal development. These stages are ones of exciting, confusing growth. They are challenging for two reasons:

1. Each partner progresses through these stages at differing speeds. You may be stuck at stage three while your spouse has already ascended to stage five. This difference leads to misunderstandings, as one spouse may wonder why their partner is still stuck on petty control issues he or she has long surpassed.

2. Most people are unaware these stages exist. People tend to have a basic understanding of the stages of grief. Depression and anger are expected. The stages of marriage are every bit as natural as grief, though more tied to ego. When ego comes into play, tricky variables, like admitting fault and making compromises, seemingly evolve into impossible feats.

The good news for all married couples is when you finally find light at the other end of the tunnel, the major storms of your life are out of the way. These couples experience the full benefits of love and affection promised by matrimony.

The Five Stages of Marriage

1.) The first stage is the best-loved. This is when your body chemistry launches itself into overdrive, akin to an adolescent holding hands for the first time. This stage represents the kind of mortar love songs are about. Even the mention of a name spurs the heart into a quickened pitter-patter.

Your life seems inexplicably tied to theirs, the deep burning desire of passion increasing your positive attitude toward the other person, personal energy, sensitivity, and sexuality. This stage is common in fresh love, but often heightened during the first year or two of marriage, starting with the honeymoon.

2.) At some point a fight breaks out that spurs one partner’s doubt about the union. This stage breaks the mirror, so to speak. You realize flaws in your partner for the first time, but it is accompanied by a nagging, negative voice that says “can I live with this for the rest of my life?” Will you divorce because your partner never washes the dishes after you make dinner? The mantra here is: old habits die hard.

Stage two is the hardest to stomach, because the differential between the incredible passion of stage one and feelings of personal betrayal in stage two are so large. The newness is gone and is replaced by familiarity.

Another challenge is by the third or fourth year of marriage, the situations with impossible answers surface. Should we have kids? Do we pack up and move across the country for that incredible career opportunity? It is unfortunate that as partners begin to distrust the capabilities of their partner these questions must be addressed.

3.) In stage three usually both partners have entrenched themselves. The trenches do not have to be a stark, dividing line between tired arguments. They can manifest through habits, lifestyles, even chore procedures. At this stage both couples think his or her opinion is the best one. Relationships that lack communication struggle with this stage. During this stage, a couple may frequently tell couples’ therapists that they have tried everything but the gap will never be bridged. To pass stage three, couples must invest their time and energy to meet in the middle. The fifth year is cited as the statistically most challenging for married couples. Most are in stage three during that year.

4.) Stage four is the point where couples stop trying to change one another. They recognize the habits that will die hard, or never disappear, and resign themselves to making the best of the situation. Some may struggle, seeking advice from friends, family members, and therapists on how to live with the aspects of the marriage that are displeasing. Fights still happen, but they lack the same oomph from the early days. After years of traveling uphill, couples are finally about to stroll down the other side of the mountain, to the sunny meadows.

5.) Statistically speaking, nearly half of marriages fail. Many more couples stay together out of habit, living their lives without speaking much with one another. Maybe divorce is too expensive, or perhaps they have been together too long to make the change. Whatever the numbers are, a good number of couples never reach the last stage.

Here couples honestly appreciate the life they’ve lived together. Shared memories burn brighter, and both partners feel secure in their roles. The things that seemed so important before have been reduced to petty grievances, barely worth noticing.

As a final note by Dr. Robi Ludwig, I would like to state that communication is what drives all successful marriages. Stages 2-4 are impossible to surpass without talking through problems. Nobody ever said marriage was easy, but for some reason most first-timers assume it is.

If you found this article interesting or want to learn more about Dr. Robi Ludwig check out her article about Killer Spouses and biography history.  We cover everything about her in that article and it’s a good read.